Do you lack self-confidence?
Allow me to share with you these 4 questions, wihich my friend Seynabou Sy, Dakar Feeling, once gifted me 2 years ago....
Is that true? Is it true that you don't have confidence in yourself?
Can you be absolutely certain that this is true?
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Who would you be without this thought?
Take a break. Do you feel rather negative emotions with this thought, and would you be lighter, more enterprising without it? Where is this thought?
Be aware that what is hurting you, here and now, is the thought and not the facts in themselves. Do you really want to entertain a hurtful thought?
Let's dig deeper...
Now turn your statement around: "I have confidence in myself".
And think of 3 situations, tasks, areas in your life where you have/have had confidence in yourself. Can you find any? Yes of course ;-) - if you cannot find one, call me at+221 77 099 05 42. I will offer you a free coaching session.
We all know moments, areas in our lives, tasks in which we are confident.
Take deep breaths, center yourself – focus your attention on your feet and heart, then make a list of all the things you do with confidence (driving your car, closing your accounts if you're an accountant, managing your household or investment projects, etc.). You will be surprised.
Similar to this stressed out client who has just taken on a greater leadership role and started feeling at loss : "I lack confidence in myself," he says. In his mind, and his words, “he doesn't know how to manage a bigger team". When asked about his past experiences, he reveals that he loved and excelled at managing his previous teams of 7 to 10 people; which earned him his superb promotion.
A few more coaching questions, and here he is who realizes - of himself - that his new small team i.e., the team of his direct reports is of the same size as his previous team. He has all the tools to manage this team! Yes, but what about the sixty employees who report to his direct reports? His heart races again and then calms down: he has the budget to train his direct reports, he also has examples of colleagues who have used team coaching to clarify their collective managerial culture, he could also mentor some and suggest others to be coached.
Strengthening one's self-confidence means taking care of one's inner dialogue. The brain is wired to see all the things that could destabilize us, hurt us. When the ego gets involved, for example a presentation to make in front of his hierarchy, it is worse; he would mistake a cat for a lion and make the Udders Kilimanjaro. Take it head-on: "You suck, you're not going to tell me that you don't know how to speak in public!", it will dazzle you with its "full headlights" so that your vision blurs more by listing you, in a loop, the thousand and one reasons that make your failure inevitable. Does that remind you of anything ;-).
So, talk to him as you would talk to your child who is learning to ride a bike and falling, for the umpteenth time. You wouldn't tell him. "You suck, you're not going to tell me you don't even know how to hold a straight handlebar" - if you say so, call me too, I'll offer you a coaching session at double the price... Just kidding ;-)... half.
You would encourage him, tell him that he managed to last 30 seconds, that he has already learned something more difficult (like talking for example) and that he will succeed. You would remind him of all the areas where he does things with confidence.
Learn to listen and talk to your brain, like a very dear friend, with patience and kindness. It takes practice and it's possible.
Strengthening one's self-confidence also means pacifying one's relationship to failure.
Asked about his success, Michael Jordan replied: "I've missed 9,000 shots in my career. I lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I was trusted to take the winning shot and I missed. I've failed again and again in my life and that's why I'm succeeding."
Recently, an organization of the place contacted us with a special request. Develop the self-leadership of these employees. My colleague Adeline Gourdon developed this module with the heart as usual ;-).
She reminds us that self-leadership is the ability to take a step back, focus on oneself and courage that differentiates people who - despite repeated failures - have been able to take charge of their own development to project themselves with strength and conviction into the future.
Building self-confidence means accepting that every failure is also a learning opportunity if I seize it.
The opportunity to find new strategies to evolve in consciousness and achieve my goals: resume my presentation, better prepare myself next time, do a training, take a coach, accept to gradually leave my zone of trust, etc.
In the end, shouldn't we choose another qualifier than "failure" to designate those events that make us grow? What if we replaced "failure" with my favorite word in Wolof... "Fahastalou"?
"Fahastalou, to expand our consciousness"
Fahastalou is my favorite word in Wolof. It translates to stumble in French.
I like its Fa-khas-ta-lou sound. Its length measures the time between the moment I make a misstep and the time when my center of gravity regains its balance.
I love it because he says who I am. A 49-year-old woman – today – who often missteps. In fact, I “fahastalou” whenever I perceive myself separated from others or from a situation. All the times I say "it's the other's fault", and I think "the other should, shouldn't have, the other is..." ». In short, I often fakhastalou.
Fahastalou is both losing and finding your balance. Oh, how precious is that moment when, unbalanced, I become aware of a belief that limits me, of an unconfessed need, of an irrational fear!
The 40-year research of Carol Dweck of Stanford University shows that we improve our well-being when we move from a fixed state of mind (true/false, win/lose, successful/failed) to adopt dynamic thinking (learning, possible, potential).
Let's not be afraid of fahastalou, it is an effective way to expand our consciousness and grow.